Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up high
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva, Las Vegas
Viva, viva
Las Vegas
Thank you. And now we take the rock to the hole with authority.
For you white people, "rock" means basketball.
Eat that, Allen Iverson.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, one more round of applause
for our lead lion, Larry.
- How you doin', Chutney? - In my home country, I was a surgeon.
Yeah, well. Last show of the week, almost home.
Good night, everyone.
Remember, as you leave this theatre and live your lives,
look for the magic all around you.
Brought to you by Pacificon Wireless.
Get connected.
- Great show, sweetie. How you doin'? - I'm exhausted.
This lead lion gig is killing me.
I can't remember the last night I spent with my family.
Quit your bellyachin'. When I was lead lion, the job came first.
And I was grateful. Do you know how many lions in Africa
would kill to prance around on a levitating disco ball?
Is he right? Am I taking my disco ball prancing for granted?
Larry, he's from a different generation.
Spending time with your wife and kids was not what men did.
In his eyes, you're a big girl.
Chief! There you are.
Great news. I was just at the lodge
and they voted you this year's recipient
of the Animal Society's Lifetime Achievement Award.
Would you believe it, sir? That's the truth.
Wow. That's a really big honor.
See? This is what you get when you take pride in what you do.
He doesn't understand what it is to be a showman, sir.
This whole operation has gone in the crapper ever since you left.
They used to come to the show in hats.
Come on, let's get home. Kate, leave that sexy stage make-up on.
- I may be able to rally. - Larry, wait.
It's V.I.P. night.
We've managed to attract Easy Rider and known marijuana-user Peter Fonda.
Also the star of Ulee's Gold, the greatest beekeeping movie of all time.
A lion. Groovy.
Come. Hop on the hog.
Oh, man.
Sorry, I know this will give you helmet mane, but it's the law.
My motor's running
Going to the freeway...
Oh, I smell like bong-water.
Hi, pumpkin, I'm home.
Oh, I thought this night would never end.
Yeah, they kept you out late.
Hanging out with Snoop Dogg again?
I don't wanna talk about work.
Larry, ready or not, here I come.
Hide ze hookers, Daddy's coming in.
The night's not over yet.
Liz Taylor wants us to come over for dessert.
Fonda, put down the cookie dough. You're supposed to bake those.
Don't wait up.
"Thank you to the members of the Animal Society for this great award."
Sarmoti, what you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants his keister back?
Kapow.
Seriously, congrats on the Lifetime Achievement Award.
Bernie says you need jokes for your speech.
In a minute. Bernie, get this down.
"It was 1953 and I was sitting in Swifty Lazar's office..."
That's great. But it'd be funnier if it was Zsa Zsa Gabor
and she was wearing pants made of cheese.
- You're fired. - I like it.
But it's better to say "canned", because it's got the "K" sound
and it's another word for "ass."
Wake up, Larry.
I think we kept the L-Train up too late last night.
He partied like it was Neunzehn Neunzig Neun.
Pull it together, because after practice,
we are booked on Good Day Live, und I am going to run my game
on zat Debbie Matenopoulos.
Okay, Larry, time for ze morning exercises. Pedestal to pedestal.
Good. Again.
Larry has fallen!
He was on the pedestal and now he's not.
This is all my fault. I pushed him too hard
and now he has injured his leg.
- I'll get ze gun. - No, we'll get paramedics and heal him.
That is good, too. Too bad you weren't there when my grandmother fell.
This is a nightmare. I have an honorary doctorate from Baylor University.
- Should I scrub up? - No.
The X-ray doesn't reveal any fractures.
No. Why?
No fractures is good.
Oh. Splendid.
To be safe, I'm gonna put him in a cast and recommend he stay off it for a week.
I'll get you some meatballs with heavy-duty pain pills in. Codamine.
You're gonna love those Codamines. You will be feeling no pain.
- What are you in for? - Tore my rotator cuff flinging poo.
Larry, I'm so sorry about your injury.
I will not allow myself to feel any pleasure until you are better.
Actually, I've dinner with Chow on Friday, so that won't work.
But to help you through the pain, we left you a special get-well message.
Auf Wiedersehen, my precious kitty.
Remember, there will be no work for you until you get better.
No work. What a pity.
Blue 29. Hut, hut, hut.
Buddy, you gotta hold on to those.
- You hit him right in the numbers. - I know, right?
Can't breathe. Lung collapsing.
- How's the leg, honey? - Little better, I guess.
Okay, here's your pain pill.
Hunter, Sierra, you've got grooming appointments at four.
You're under orders to stay on the couch.
- Don't try to do too much too soon. - But Siegfried and Roy need me.
They'll be fine.
Hunter, go long.
- Hiya, Larry. - Hey, pal.
Check it out. I've started drinking in the afternoon.
To make it socially acceptable, I'm pretending to be into wine.
- Good for you. - This is a 1997 Kookaburra shiraz.
It's jammy, with hints of pepper and oak.
Meatballs. Glad I brought red.
Don't eat that, my pain pills are in there.
I thought you seemed kinda dopey and stupid.
I'm not taking them. Can you keep a secret?
Is it about Shaquille O'Neal?
I'm not injured. I'm faking it.
My leg doesn't hurt. See?
Now it hurts a little.
Anyway, I was burned out from work and I wanted some time off.
Now look at me. I'm living the dream.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the gimp.
Not surprised your ankles gave out.
They put up a good fight for all those years.
Excellent zinger, sir, I'm laughing.
Yet you never used the F-word.
Take that, Jerry Steinfield.
- Oh, God. - Well, I gotta go.
I'm outta the good stuff, so I'm gonna drink a bottle of Old Spice.
Get this down.
"I was alone in my dressing room, when in walked Adrienne Barbeau."
"I hadn't seen cans that big since I bought coffee at Costco."
Are you gonna be here long?
The doctor said I'm not supposed to have any old people around.
Shut it, Lumpy. We're not gonna leave here till we finish this speech,
so tough tatas.
With all due respect, sir, you don't need to go to the bosom well so often.
Hey, I was watching that.
You're pathetic. You know, I never once missed a performance,
even the night Kate was born.
I'll never forget.
There was charismatic young leader from the Far East in the audience.
And that's why Kate's middle name is Pol Pot.
Hey, meatballs. Don't mind if I do.
- Sarmoti, don't. - You want them all yourself.
I'd hate for you to not have the taste of beef in your mouth
for more than 45 seconds.
You know what? Be my guest.
Delicious.
"And in closing, I'd like to thank everyone who has inspired me."
"Frank, Dino, Sammy, Makimbah."
- Makimbah? - A talented snake I knew in Africa.
He coulda been huge, but he had a weakness for the booger sugar.
Okay, now let's go through it from the top.
The speech. He ruined your speech.
Don't worry, buddy. It could happen to anyone.
Looks like someone's a clutzy-wutzy.
Boss, my computer's shot. It's completely destroyed.
Bernie, we cry about people, not things.
We'll get him next time, eh?
You okay, jefe?
Of course he is. He just has this wonderful new attitude.
Which I hope has no side-effects, such as hair loss or sexual dysfunction.
- Hi, everybody. - Oh, wonderful, you're home.
You and your angelic children.
- What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on.
A miracle, and we're all in it.
Everybody, front and center.
We're gonna watch the sunset.
- How's that? - Oh, great stretch.
- Where'd you learn to do that? - I studied ballet in the '50s.
You know, when it was for straight guys.
I had a wonderful dance partner. What was his name?
Queer Bob. Oh, how'd that go?
First position, second, third.
Dad, I just ordered Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood on pay-per-view,
so you may wanna clear out.
Hey, if it's feisty southern gals celebrating life, I'm in.
Let me make some light butter popcorn.
Back in a jiff.
My dad is in such a good mood.
- Do you think he's dying? - Nah.
I've just never seen him like this.
The last movie he wanted me to watch with him was his colonoscopy.
I saw that, that was pretty good. I did go in with low expectations.
Hey, it's time to take another pain pill.
Actually, I feel a little better. I'm gonna tough it out from here on in.
Oh, good. Then I guess I can get rid of these.
No, don't do that.
- Why? - Because...
They make snazzy earrings.
They'll go great with your spaghetti strap dress.
- I'm drugging your father. - What?
I wanted to spend time with you and the kids, so I faked an injury.
And I let your dad eat one of the meatballs and it made him so much nicer.
We need to get him another one, it's gonna wear off soon.
I can't believe you. You can't drug someone against their will.
- I'm telling him now. - What the hell is going on here?
Why are these southern-fried hags having a bitch-fest on my pay-per-view?
What happens if you give him two?
Why are you touching me, you big mo? Move over.
I'm gonna get us some snacks.
Time for your dad to take his pill.
Hey, Larry, check it out. I started taking drugs in the afternoon.
Oh, my God, they're all gone. What are we gonna do?
- It's over, Larry. - It can't be.
I have three days before I go back to work. There must be something we can do.
He's filled with the stuff.
We'll cover him in melted cheese. Sarmoti won't even notice.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ray Foxx.
Larry, you can't feed him your best friend.
He's not my best friend.
Fine.
Now, Count Basie. This is music.
Not like this dreck you got.
Eagles, crap. Doors, junk.
Zeppelin, garbage.
I'll be right back.
What's the matter? Father-in-law done come undrugged?
- Not for long. - Travis, where's my ball gown?
You said you was takin' me dancin'.
Dancin'? Some other time, perhaps.
Pills, pills, pills.
Yes!
Leg looks pretty good.
You lazy schmuck, I knew you were faking it.
Yeah, I suck. So, hungry?
What the hell are those?
Wait a second, you been slipping me medicated meatballs.
No, it was an accident. You know me, clutzy-wutzy.
No wonder I got cotton mouth and did yoga with Kate yesterday.
You little jerk.
Larry, Sarmoti, back to the circus.
Mama Hippo is about to give birth.
Quick, we must get back in there before the baby thinks the hippo is its mother.
Lions, why are you here amongst pills?
Oh, mein Gott, our lions are drug addicts.
- I'll get ze gun. - No.
I can't believe this is happening. What do we do?
Well, you've already "shot down" my gun idea.
Pun intended. Hold for laughter.
- Two, three, four... - Stop it.
Great glory, I'm being hit by an idea.
Dope-fiend lions, welcome to the world's premier celebrity rehab center.
For crying out loud.
It will not be easy, kitties,
but at least you are not taking your addiction "lion down."
What did I tell you about puns?
You putz. What have you dragged me into?
Rehab will be good for you, kitties.
Mrs. Betty Ford has helped many entertainers kick their addictions.
Ja, in seven days, you'll be good as new.
Seven days? My ceremony is tomorrow night.
The crowning achievement of my whole career is ruined because of you.
Oh, no, I don't believe it. Paparazzi.
Leeches. Grab the trench coats and dark glasses.
- Here they are. - Mr. Roy.
Back, paparazzi. No pictures.
I crave my privacy. And so does my new girlfriend, Angelina Jolie.
Oops.
Hello, I am Siegfried.
And I am Roy. Thank you for coming out tonight.
Our lions are addicts, and we would like to check them in to Betty Ford.
Sorry, but we can't treat those lions.
Why? Because they're not in a big rock band?
- Because they didn't write Brown Sugar? - No, because they're not human.
I think you are the one who is not human.
Siegfried, you are wasting your time. Is Betty here?
Come on, this'll be kinda fun. There's all sorts of celebrities here.
Hello. Looks like Yasmine Bleeth didn't pack enough underwear.
- I gotta get some air. - Sarmoti, wait.
My supervisor will be down in a moment.
Wonderful. While we wait, let us eat.
Servant.
Red, please.
A toast to this wonderful center
that has helped so many people battle addiction.
Zat takes ze edge off.
Yeah, I don't know how you people do it. I couldn't go a day without this stuff.
Sarmoti, come on. I wish I could undo this.
Get away from me, I gotta work off some steam.
Hey, you liked me when you were stoned. Remember?
Okay, Samantha, welcome to group therapy.
I understand your owner's at the clinic, trying to kick his daiquiri habit.
- What's your problem? - I love him.
But he can't commit to any woman and I'm afraid he'll leave me.
Face your fear. He's gone, what would you do?
I'd probably start cutting myself again.
At least we'd have bacon. Hi, everybody, Larry the Lion.
Welcome, Larry. We're building a feeling fence
and you just whipped it out and peed all over it.
- I'm Alan. What's going on? - It's a long, complicated story.
Just the highlights. When did your gay lover beat you?
- I don't have a gay lover. - Okay, saving that one.
- What do you wanna talk about? - If you really wanna know,
it's my father-in-law.
See, I was tired of his attitude. He's got this...
When did he force himself on you?
He didn't. It's me. I really screwed up and now he won't talk to me.
Let's get real. You've got to make him stop and listen to you.
Sarmoti, we need to talk.
Sure, let's talk about how you're making me miss
the most important night of my life, you fat sack-of-crap idiot loser.
Okay, Larry, your father-in-law thinks you are a fat sack-of-crap idiot loser.
- React. - I didn't mean for this to happen.
I just wanted some time off.
You make me sick.
You're the star of the greatest show in the history of Las Vegas
and all you wanna do is sit on your butt at home.
I'm sorry. I like being at home with my family.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing, we're just different.
You'd rather work hard and win awards.
I'd rather be home splitting a pizza with my kids.
- Show me where he touched you. - I love being with my family.
Who are you kidding? All you care about is work.
You missed your daughter's birth so you could perform,
then named her after Pol Pot.
Yeah, it's easy to criticize with the benefit of hindsight.
- What about your speech? - What about it?
You never mention your family once.
You thank Frank and Dino, and some snake named Makimbah.
He had pipes like Bing Crosby. He fell in with the wrong crowd.
Maybe I wasn't finished with the speech yet.
And who the hell are you to judge me?
He's leaving because of me.
- Isn't he? - Yes.
Come on, Larry, let's go.
This place is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
Dad, we're gonna be late for your award. Don't forget your camera.
Sarmoti, before we go, I just wanna clear the air.
I feel bad about the stuff I said at rehab.
No, Larry, the truth is I needed to hear it.
Everybody, gather round, I have something I wanna say.
You know I love show business,
but this family has always been the most important thing in my life.
Kate, you're my rock and my inspiration.
Sierra and Hunter, you're what I get up for every day.
And Larry, I know I give you a hard time, but...
there's a lot I can learn from you.
I... I love you all.
Oh, Dad, we love you too.
- Come on, kids, let's go. - That was really nice, Sarmoti.
- How many meatballs did you take? - Two.
And I got one in my pocket for the ride home.
Oh, yeah, well, sure, I drink socially.
- But I don't have a problem. - Right, right.
Show me where he touched you.